An apology I never got

And all of a sudden, it hits me again. That repulsive feeling of being out of place. That sickening sense of not belonging. Out of nowhere, the overwhelming sadness rushes to my spine, paving the way for a massive darkness to overcast all of me,or what is left of it. Obscurity dominates my entire shell,leaving my heart aching and my soul empty. And then I get disconnected from my own body..losing the ability to control the only thing I was allowed to control my whole life,myself. Brick by brick,my walls came tumbling down. And there I was,lying on my bed,with a little blue teddy bear in my arms. My mind was utterly shut, and my eyes welled up with tears. My cheeks were burning up, my nose was all red,and my throat felt sore. I never liked the idea of breaking down in tears because it hurts so much I can barely breathe. But my emotions swirl like ocean currents,deep and strong. And it scares me a lot knowing that I am not that good of a swimmer. The world turned into a blur,and so did all the sounds around me. The only distinct sound was my heartbeat echoing in my ears, mockingly making sure that I knew I was alive still. And because lonely is not being alone,but the feeling that no one cares,I have always kept myself locked up in my room in moments like these. What's the point of a crowded place if you are going to feel alone anyway? Some people think that I want to disappear, while all I want really is to be found. I try my hardest to make them notice that I do exist too. And that both of my feelings and my opinions do matter, just like anyone else's.But most of what I get are neglection,exclusion, and isolation. I am used to be forgotten and ignored. And to top them all,misunderstood. I no more have the urge to explain myself over and over and over again. I am sick of everyone else's fool assumptions and twisted ways of manipulating facts to the point where I,god knows how,become the guilty one. But again, I just wipe my tears,fix my hair,and finally draw a fake smile on my face.Life becomes way easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.

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Asma Belhaj